The Wonderful World of Minotaur

I was wondering why I kept seeing so many people around my age getting engaged and married. What happened? Did I miss a memo? Until I realised: oh, we’re at that age now. We’re getting to our late 20s, early 30s and everyone is starting to settle down and move into the next phase of their lives: marriage and family. 

Unfortunately what that means for everyone that isn’t married or engaged yet is that there’s a mad rush to settle down. This can mean choosing the most convenient person around and moving into that next phase of life with them, which can mean compromising on what you thought was your ideal partner for the partner you can have right now. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s ok and sometimes even necessary to compromise when it comes to finding a partner. But what I don’t believe in compromising on is compatibility. Compatibility in a relationship can mean different things to different people. I’ve put together a list of key areas of compatibility to assess when you want to settle down:

• Communication style & conflict resolution – Communication style goes beyond whether you’re a texter or a caller, even though this can also be important. Think about how you express yourselves, how well you listen to each other and how you handle conflicts. It’s ok if one person prefers to take a breather first before handling a disagreement and one person prefers to address it straight away, as long as you both work toward finding a middle ground. 
• Core values – These are things I really don’t think you should compromise on. It’s very important that your core beliefs are aligned if not the same. This can be your beliefs on religion & spirituality, family, work, politics, generally what is important to you in life. 
• Social compatibility – Sometimes an introvert and an extrovert in a relationship complement each other well. Sometimes they don’t. It’s all about asking yourself what works for you and what doesn’t. Also look at how you interact with their family & friends, and how they interact with yours. Contrary to popular belief, it is quite important to like the people in your partner’s life, and for them to like you too. However, it’s also important to note how your partner interacts with their family & friends, and if these are people that are important to them. Consider the dynamics at play and whether you can comfortably navigate them in the long term. 
• Emotional needs – Before entering a relationship you need to make sure both you and your partner are emotionally available. Luckily, it’s not that hard to tell. Look at how they support you emotionally and if that suffices for someone you’d likely be coming to with a lot of emotional needs. I believe attachment styles also fall under this. Attachment styles reflect how you approach relationships shaped by the bond formed with your primary caregiver in your early years. You can take a quiz to find out your attachment style here. It’s important to work through those on your own before entering a relationship. 
• Physical intimacy – This is underrated and often overlooked. It’s important in a relationship to ensure that you are on the same page physically and sexually. Are you into the same things? It’s ok to want your partner to try new things, it is not ok to force them into trying new things. Just find someone that matches your freak. 
• Lifestyle & interests – I’ve seen a lot of gym girlies and guys talking about this one recently, about how they could never date someone that doesn’t go to the gym because they need their lifestyle choices to align in this respect. I completely understand. Be with someone who your lifestyle choices align or, at the very least, do not oppose each other. Look at their daily routines, approaches to health, etc. Make sure you have a few interests in common so you have things you can enjoy together.  
• Finances – This is looking into your partner’s attitudes to money; how they save, spend and plan for their money. While this is an area I believe you can easily compromise on and even teach each other a thing or two, it’s important to be aligned on your attitudes to money. While finances are an area where partners can often learn from each other, differing financial priorities can still be a source of conflict. Discussing shared financial goals early in your relationship is key.  
• Future goals – What are your visions for the future? Where do you see yourself in the next five or 10 years? This question feels a bit awkward in a job interview but in a relationship it is absolutely essential.  While you may be looking for marriage and children, your potential partner may be firmly against both. Make sure you’re aligned on where you’re headed. 

You do not have to be identical in all areas with your partner, but it is important to know what areas you’re aligned in and what areas you’re willing to compromise in. Remember that compatibility isn’t about perfection, it’s about finding someone who aligns with your values, supports your growth, and is willing to build a life with you that feels right for both of you. Making a list of your non-negotiables and not budging on them could save you so much heartbreak. Take some time to assess these areas in your current or future relationships.